Slow down to lead with Integrity  EHS Study 8  Put the big rocks in first

Most of us are starved for time, over scheduled  and preoccupied. Few of us have time to enjoy Jesus, our spouses, our children, or life itself, let alone the gift of leading/serving others. We think, "The space I need for replenishing my soul and relaxing can happen later.'' There is simply too much to be done.

Slowing down to lead with integrity is a counter-cultural act of rebellion in our world today. Yet, focusing on the integrity of our relationship with God, ourselves, our spouses, and our leadership is the greatest gift we can give those around us.

 

Starter

1.            We began this journey into emotionally healthy spirituality by looking beneath the surface and realizing how our "iceberg" shapes the ways we relate to and react to people and situations in our daily lives. What has been your biggest realization, your biggest "aha!" moment, in your walk with Jesus Christ in these past seven studies?

2.            Looking back, you might now see the "cracks" that should have alerted you that all was not well. Have you experienced or observed any of these possible warning signs in yourself? Check the ones that apply.

 "Spotting the Cracks" List

____     Serving others as a chore, a duty, a burden, instead of a joy

____     Neglecting my inner life with God

____     Seeing people as obstacles rather than gifts

____     Feeling overextended and overworked

____     Constantly serving, doing, and giving, with very little receiving, enjoying, and relaxing

____     Feeling guilty about taking time off for healthy self-care

____     Living spiritually dry and empty

____     Putting out fire after never-ending fire-a crisis-to-crisis lifestyle

____     Lacking the space and time to fulfill commitments and promises

____     Living with a spouse who is lonely or depressed

____     Experiencing an inability to leave work unfinished

____     Denying my problems in front of others

____     Becoming defensive when others criticize or make suggestions to me

____     Pretending not to be resentful, depressed, or angry with someone

____     Feeling isolated from people and disappointed

____     Being unable to let people honestly know what is going on inside me

 

Can you identify with any of the "cracks" above? describe one such experience.

 

STUDY       
4.            Read 1 Timothy 4:7-16. Timothy had been thrust into a position of responsible Christian leadership far beyond his natural capacity. He was young (probably 30-35 years old), prone to illness, shy, and reluctant to lead. Yet he found himself thrust into the responsibility of combating false teachers and bringing order to the church in Ephesus. Paul knows the key to the future of the church centers around Timothy's integrity.

You have probably heard the story of the teacher who wanted to demonstrate time management by filling  glass full of rocks then asking "is the glass full?", then they putting in pebbles, then sand then water asking if it was full each time. Then reversed it by filling it first with sand – there was no room for the big rocks and the moral of the story is put the big rocks (your priorities) in first.  According to our reading what are the big rocks?

 

In verse 7, Paul calls Timothy to "train himself" to be godly.

In what ways is our life with Jesus Christ similar to an athlete training for an Olympic event?

How is this relevant to our discussion today?

5.            Paul gives Timothy a string of commands in verses 11 - 16 that culminate in verses 15 and 16: "Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers." How do you hear those words for you today?

  6.          What might be the implications for others if you do, or do not, slow down your life in order to allow Christ to deeply transform you?

 

 Exercises

This diagram provides an illustration of our spiritual life where our activities (e.g., our doing) are out of balance with our contemplative life (e.g., our inner life with Jesus). 

 

Your Contemplation

your activities

 

7.            Using two circles , draw your own diagram to illustrate how your activities (i.e., your doing) balances with your contemplative life (i.e., your being with God).  DO the exercise a second time where you show how you would like it to be.

 

 

 

What challenges keep you from:               I

-                      slowing down your life to be with God?

-                      slowing down your life to care for yourself in a healthy manner as Jesus did (e.g., practicing Sabbath, sleeping adequately, ruthlessly eliminating hurry)?

-                      slowing down your life to be with your spouse and/or family in a way that honours God?

-                      slowing down to have integrity in the way you lead others (e.g., being thoughtful with your words, resolving conflicts biblically, remaining aware of God's presence at work)?

 

8 What might be one or two simple decisions you can take towards slowing down in one of the above areas?

 

Finally

Take a few minutes and pray together about what God has said to you during this study.

 

Going further

■             Arrange a movie night with your small group to watch The Apostle. Invite people to share how they related to Sonny's life, and what they did or did not appreciate about him.

 

I trust you can see by now that you have begun a lifelong process that will transform you, your relationship with God, and your relationships with others. Working through this material is challenging, requiring a death to our ingrained destructive behaviors and reactions, and forcing us, in new ways, to explore the truth that will set us free. Nonetheless the fruit is enormously rewarding and rich - beyond anything you can imagine.

 

WHERE DO YOU GO FROM HERE?

Consider these next steps:

1.            See our website, www.emotionallyhealthy.org,to keep abreast of future conferences, retreats, and materials.

2.            Sign up for the mailing list for pastors/leaders who continue to be part of this growing movement of leaders committed to integrating emotional health and spirituality. (See above­ mentioned website.)

3.            Listen to sermons and teachings related to the integration of emotional health and contemplative spirituality so that you can continue to do your own theological and personal work.

4.            Read reflectively Emotionally Healthy Spirituality (Nelson,2006) and Begin the Journey with the Daily Office (Barrington, IL: Willow Creek Publishing, 2009).

Emotionally heaqlthy Spirituality Study 6 Embracing grieving and Loss

 

EHS Study 6 Embracing grieving and Loss     

 INTRODUCTION

In Study 5,we began to identify and be thankful for each of our God­ given limitations. In this study, we are going to see why embracing grieving and loss is such a major theme of Scripture and a central discipleship issue.

God understands that for us, as his image-bearers, learning to grieve is part of maturing in Christ. God himself grieved: "The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain" (Gen. 6:6). Jesus modelled for us the offering up of "prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears" (Heb. 5:7).

In addition, God has given us an entire book in the Bible called Lamentations. Two-thirds of the Psalms are laments and songs of struggle over loss. In fact, the entire book of Job is a classic struggle with grief and loss.

 Connecting

1.            Share one personal loss that you have experienced this past year and how it has impacted you.

 

 2.           Our culture resists and avoids grieving. We prefer to get more, smarter, bigger, richer, healthier, happier, and so on. Losses are seen as alien invasions interrupting our "normal lives." As a result, many people live in denial of this reality or seek to medicate themselves to take the pain of life away.

·         How did your family of origin deal with losses and setbacks growing up?

·         How do you think that may have influenced how you deal with grief and loss today?

3. Share your answers to two or three of the following statements:

·         "I'm not as ________________ as I  once was."

·         "I've never known what it's like to __________________________"

·         "I miss   __________________________"

·         "I did not receive much  __________________________               when I was growing up.."

·         "A part of me will always be sad that       __________________________"

·         "Something I wish I had done , but that's impossible now, is __________________________"

·         "When I was younger, I wish I had spent more time__________________________"

·         "I feel certain amount of regret regarding the way I __________________________"

·         “One thing I miss about my earlier days as a Christian is __________________________"

·          "In  the  earlier days of our church (or ministry),I  loved how we __________________________"

 STUDY  John 11:1-44

Read v 1-16

·         What words would you use to describe the reaction of Jesus to the sickness of Lazarus?  How might others perceive his actions?

Read v 17-37

·         How does this passage cause you to revise your earlier impressions about Jesus (if at all)?

·         Describe the emotions of Jesus at the news of Lazarus's death.

5.            Why do you think Jesus took time to weep over an event he knew he was about to fix?

What does this suggest about his humanity and emotional life?

6.            How might your understanding of Jesus be different if he had not wept but instead said: "Come on, everyone, please stop all the moaning. Get a grip: I'll take care of this"?

7.            The Emotionally healthy Church book explores the three phases of the biblical grieving process:

•             Paying Attention . “Grieving is not possible without paying attention to our anger and sadness”  What have we lost? Where does that leave us? What might that mean for us? Loss is multi dimensional, not just the loss of a person or opportunity but other things as well? What are some of the other surprising dimensions you have encountered?

•             Living in the Confusing "In-Between". . “Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him” (Psalm 37:7) remains one of the most radical commands of our day. Resisting quick solutions (“you should be over it by now”).  Do you ever really get over big losses?

•             Allowing the Old to Birth the New. Good grieving is not just letting go, but also letting it bless us. How have you grown through some of your losses?

 

Which one of these 3 do you find most difficult to do and why?

 

8.    How does the good news of Jesus Resurrection shape our response to loss? 

       Do you think the resurrection story makes it more difficult to stay in "the confusing in between" if          we think we ought to have faith rather than sorrow or confusion or ...?

 APPLICATIONS & EXERCISES

 

Read the list of losses below. Check the ones you've experienced in your life.

Devastating Losses:

·         _             death of a child or spouse, family member, or friend

·         _             mental or physical disability divorce

·         _             loss of a job

·         _             spousal infidelity

·         _             cancer, disease, illness infertility

·         _             suicide in the family

·         _             stillbirth or miscarriage

·         _             shattering of a lifelong dream

·         _             rejection for a promotion or from a school other

 

 

 

(Apparently) Insignificant or Natural Losses:

·         _             church moves to a new building

·         _             having a child – now you can't do the things you used to do

·         _             getting married

·         _             children moving out of the home

·         _             entering into old age

·         _             a dose friend or child gets married

·         _             friends move away

·         _             small group multiplies

·         _             a faithful pet dies·            .,

·         _             retiring from work

·         _             transferring from one school or job to another

9.            Henri Nouwen has rightly said the degree to which we grieve our own losses is the degree to which compassion flows from our lives. Why does that tend to be true?

 

10.          Refer back to the personal loss you mentioned in question 1.

How might God be coming to you through that event and/or process?

Wrapping up

 The path of biblical grieving is a great gift we can give both to ourselves and to others. However, it can often feel as if it is only going to make things worse- as if we shouldn't be going down this road. Yet God assures us that death eventually leads to resurrection. Ask God to give you grace to trust and wait on him as you begin this journey of grieving your losses his way.

GOING DEEPER

■             Prayerfully read Psalm 42, 43, 77, or 88. Try writing your own lament psalm to God in which you share your most honest doubts, frustrations, and sorrows with him. Share this with a friend.